A client of mine (for anonymity’s sake, I will call her Nicole) is experiencing a profound sense of anguish over an event that occurred years ago (I surmise, by the way, that this unpleasant emotion has contributed to the physiological disequilibrium that developed within her body). Despite the passage of time, she has been unable to make peace with what transpired. The narrative she has constructed is that, had she not acted so hastily, the situation would have been averted. She is thoroughly convinced that she possessed the capacity to prevent it.
Billions of people, like Nicole, are incessantly tormented by thoughts of remorse, regret, and self-condemnation. They believe statements such as:
- “If I had done [X], [Y] would not have happened.”
- “If I had not done [X], [Y] would not have happened.”
- “If I had done [X], [Y] would have happened.”
- “If I had not done [X], [Y] would have happened.”
The truth is that, had Nicole had the ability to return to that moment and relive it, she would act in precisely the same manner. This is because her psychological and emotional states would likewise revert to the exact settings they were in at that time. With the same internal conditions and the same external circumstances, the same decision would inevitably follow.
If you are mentally burdened by remorse over a past “mistake,” understand that what transpired was, under those exact conditions, inevitable. Your responsibility is not to ruminate upon that which was bound to happen and cannot be changed, but to examine the factors that precipitated your actions (responses/reactions) and to make the necessary corrections and refinements (i.e., cultivate greater mindfulness and inner equanimity, deepen your knowledge, sharpen your judgement, etc.). Bear in mind that even such deliberate development will not eliminate future so-called mistakes, but it will reduce the probability of acting in ways that culminate in undesirable outcomes.
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